Loved & Lost
by book.lover1123
Summary: 11th Doctor/Rose. Just what was going through the Doctor's head in the last moments of The Girl Who Waited. A bit of other companions as well, but mostly Rose and the Doctor. Warning, bring tissues


**Wrote this after I watched The Girl Who Waited. I'm an avid Doctor/Rose shipper, even with Eleven and so when this came to mind I had to write it! Just what was going through the Doctor's head during that whole scene when they had to leave the old Amy. It's rather pathetically sad, but I like it anyways. Enjoy!**

**As always, I do not own Doctor Who. Wish I did. Rose would come back. :)**

The Doctor ran to the door helping Rory lower Amy to the ground. He scanned her. _Oh thank goodness! _"It's just an anistethic. She'll be fine." He announced. He rose to his feet and hurried to the door.

There she was, the older Amy. The one that could never be in the TARDIS. He froze, his hearts screaming at him not to leave her there. Not to do what he did to Rose. Not now.

"_There's another thing the TARDIS could do... it could take us away..." He looked up at her, a quite admiration swelling in his breast for her bravery. "We could leave. Let history take its course. We go to Marbella in 1989."_

_ "Yeah, but you'd never do that." She replied looking up at him with a smile. Their eyes locked. _

_ "No, but you could ask. "_

_ Her eyes dropped again. She could have. A part of her even wanted to. But she wouldn't leave him._

Amy's eyes grew wide. She knew what the Doctor was thinking. She threw down her weapons and started running towards the box.

"_Rose Tyler, you're a GENIUS!" He dashed into the TARDIS with her following close on his heels. He ordered her to hold down a lever and swtiched the TARDIS to automatic rambling as he went. "Now, I've just got to go and power up the Game Station. Hold on!"_

The Doctor grabbed the door, willing himself to shut it on her. Straining against the impulse to let her get on first and then take her with them. It wouldn't work. It could never work. That's why there were only the ten minnutes before bad things started happening. Before worlds started falling apart.

_He hurried back out of the TARDIS and back onto Satellite 51. The TARDIS doors closed behind him and he stopped short. He turned back around taking one last look then raised his screwdriver._

"I'm sorry." He slammed the door shut just as she reached it.

_He activated the TARDIS. It began whirring and dematerializing. Rose called out to him, trying to understand what was going on._

"What are you doing?!" Rory demanded.

"I lied to her Rory. There can never be two Amys in the TARDIS. The parallels are too massive." He explained. He could still hear her calling his name, pounding on the door.

"_Doctor, let me out! Let me out! Doctor, I don't want to go!" She shouted pounding at the TARDIS door. He had tricked her. _

"But we can't leave her, she'll die!"

_In another place and with another face he tried to avoid Rose's gaze as she spoke to him._

_"I'm supposed to go." She stared at him._

_ "Yeah." He replied shortly._

_ "To another world, and then it gets sealed off."_

_ "Yeah." He turned away from her, distracting himself by going back to the computers._

_ She looked at him like he had just grown two heads. "Forever." She laughed. "That's not gonna happen." She said firmly. _

"No! She'll never have existed." He explained. "When we save our Amy this future won't have happened."

_"We haven't got time to argue, the plans works, we go in. You too. ALL of us." Pete demanded. _

_ "I'm not leaving him!" She responded angrily. _

"But she happened! She's there!" Rory replied angrily.

_"Mum. I've had a life with you for nineteen years. But then I met the Doctor and... all the things I've seen him do for me. For you. For all of us. For the whole... stupid planet and every planet out there. He does it alone, mum." She started backing towards him. "But not anymore. Cause he's got me."_

"Doctor please!" Amy cried. "I trusted you!"

_He slipped the yellow dimension transporter out of his pocket and lifted it over her head. Pete slammed a hand down on his as she turned around to face the Doctor. The surprise and betrayal was written all over her face. "What're you-?"_

The Doctor struggled to focus his mind in the present. His reality now, not almost a hundred years ago. "She's not real!" He said half to himself, half to Rory.

_She was gone in a flash, the transport field closing around her. He paused for a moment, his hearts struggling to cope with the loss._

"She is real! Let her in!" Rory demanded with that cold fury that only the Lone Centurion could muster.

_His moment however was interuppted only a few seconds later when she reappeared. He stared at her, the anger and releif swelling inside him. _

"Look you take this Amy, we leave ours. There can only be one Amy in the TARDIS! Which one do you want?!"

_"Once the breach collapses, that's IT. You will never be able to see her again. Your own mother!" He gripped her shoulders giving her a slight shake to make his point._

Rory stared at him, the reality setting in. He took in a short breath looking away in agony. The doctor grabbed his hand and placed it on the lock. "It's your choice."

_"I made my choice a long time ago, and I'm never gonna leave you." _

He couldn't look Rory in the eye. He knew what this felt like. He knew what it meant to leave someone behind knowing that he would never see them again.

_"Am I ever gonna see you again?" She sobbed on the beach._

_ "You can't." He replied, the ache in his chest increasing._

Rory's eyes filled with recognition. The Doctor realized that Amy had told him about Rose. Rory shook his head desperately.

_Wilfred's eyes filled with tears. "Just leave me. I'm an old man, Doctor. I've had my time."_

_He turned toward the little man in the glass box. "Well, exactly, look at you. Not remotely important! But me? I could do so much more! So much more!" His arms rose to the sky, the universe at his fingertips. "But this is what I get. My reward." _

"This isn't fair!" He moved toward the Doctor, his eyes exposing the rage inside of him. "You're turning me into you!"

"_And it's not fair!" He shoved the papers off the desk in a fit of rage, sending them flying across the room. He sobbed violently, gasping for breath._

"It's your choice Rory." The Doctor replied calmly, finally getting control over himself once more.

_The Doctor froze, realizing what he was doing. He let out a shuddering breath. "Lived too long." He whispered. His eyes rose to met his friend's._

He hurried back to check on the young Amy then continued on, ignoring the older Amy's cries of his name. This was his reward. Every time he took the TARDIS out for a spin someone, or something got left behind. Someone was lost to him. Someone died. His life was one full of destruction and heartache. No matter where he went he could never escape that. The Destroyer of Worlds. The Oncoming Storm. No one, no one could ever ignore that, or avoid it. Those around him at one point or another felt the sting of it.

_"Are you alright?" His first ginger companion asked._

_ "I'm always all right." He replied stiffening._

_ "Is 'all right' Time Lord code for... 'really not all right at all?" She prodded._

_ "Why?" He asked looking down at her, trying to keep his emotions in check and away from the surface._

_ She smiled sadly up at him. "Cause I'm all right too."_

Rory felt it now. "I'm sorry!" He sobbed. "I just can't do this!"

The Doctor heard the click of metal as Rory began turning the lock.

"If you love me, don't let me in." Amy's voice broke slightly.

The Doctor turned from the consol to listen, straining to push back the memories that were trying to surface.

"Open that door and I will. I'll come in and I don't want to die. I won't bow out bravely. I'll be kickin', screaming, fighting."

_"Take me back!" She shouted slamming her palms against the wall._

_ He could hear her through the wall, through the rift in time. It was a whisper of her original voice, but he could hear the pain in her words, the biting, gnawing pain of loved ones lost. _

"To the end." Amy whispered.

_"What're you gonna do?" She asked, tears filling her words._

_ "Oh, I've got the TARDIS. Same old life. Last of the Time Lords." He tried to shrug._

_ "On you're own?" She looked at him, her heart breaking not just for herself, but for him._

_ He didn't trust himself to speak. He couldn't. _

"Amy, Amy I love you!" Rory whispered.

"And I love you!" Amy sobbed.

_ "I-" She doubled over, the sobs pressing at her lips to escape. She caught them back and looked up again. "I love you!" She choked out._

_ He tried to smile and give her a laugh. "Quite right too." But he couldn't take this any longer. He couldn't let her go on not knowing how he felt. He could let his last words be a cover for his real feelings. So he gathered what courage he had left._

_ "And I suppose if it's my last chance to say it. Rose Tyler I-" But it was too late. The time had passed._

**Free unused tissues to whoever reviews! :)**


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